Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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