Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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