so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
