What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She told me I should be a condom model.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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