Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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