I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
