3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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