Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
