I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
