Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
