whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
