Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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