I think I won the penis lottery.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
