a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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