i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
