btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
