I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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