He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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