I can tuck mytits in my pants
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
