tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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