I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
