just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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