She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
