Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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