If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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