Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
