I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
