This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
