I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
