if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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