I just threw up on my dentist
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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