My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
