Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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