Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
