So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
