You're my little dorito
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Randomize
