It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
