New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
