Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
