haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
