i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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