I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
