your thong is hanging out like whoa
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
