Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
