fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
