I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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