Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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