Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Your penis caused this!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
