i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
