My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
