It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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