There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just googled if crying burns calories
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
