Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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