she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
