I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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