Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
