I wish my penis had an off switch
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize