okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
