you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
