Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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