I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The adults are the big ones right?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
