I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
