If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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